Attempts to exercise power is based on illusions. My perception of what is real was an illusion. False beliefs, if you will, programmed into my mind and reconditioned daily. It was what I needed to see to keep me safe. My inner loving parent needs to remind me of this when the critical one starts to pounce with “HOW DID YOU NOT SEE THE OBVIOUS!” I will concur, it SEEMS so simple, so mundanely easy. But, here I am, again, witnessing a miracle in recovery. Once again, the veil has finally been lifted on my short sighted vision. In my progress I am gaining clarity.
Several months ago, I was taught how to “check in” with myself on how I was feeling, to associate the churning and pains with words. It was where I came to the realization that explaining and/or justifiying myself brought me down a HUGE shame spiral. After such an event I’d feel a black cloud damper my thoughts, ruminating on how small I felt. I’m triggered into trying to justify my existance, my worth. I’m trying to be seen, by someone who will not recognize me as as the person I am. The faulty thought is my believing the other person can be convinced or even concerned. My blind spot of codependency with narcissists.
It is a truth that I unconciously did not want to discover. Especially, about my father, my “hero”. I have admitted that my father is a misogynist, alcoholic narcissist. No longer is his own behaviour diminished by mother’s own lunacy.
Both my parents hated themselves and hated each other. They hated everything in me that reminded me of themselves. They hated everything in me that reminded them of each other. They sought their own value by destroying my self esteem and independence. I ended up not being able to feel myself. I couldn’t recognize how I feel and to know who or what I am.
I carried this into my adult relationships with men. I can see it clearly with the man I live with. I am choosing to see this as a blessing in my recovery. Otherwise, it’s just horrifying and gross. It is said that we are handed the same lesson over and over till we learn it. I believe it.
God has given me this opportunity to practice JADE and to develop my Christlike heart. I have a unique opportunity to be able to directly attach my triggers to heal childhood wounds. I will practice detachment and observe, not absorb. I am grateful for this work.