JADE, the Narcissist’s Trap

JADE is an acronym standing for justify, argue defend and engage.  It’s in my childhood programming/training.  It is the trap of the narcissist. I am seeing it to be one of my major character defects.  How insidiously wrapped up I’ve been engaging in this trait and how it has warped my perception and my life.

I was conditioned and childhood pleading for my parents, for someone, to see me, to hear me, to love me. It left me thirsty in adulthood.

To JADE with a narcissist is to entertain their circular arguments, bame, projection and deflection. One who only deals you lies and twisted truths.  A conclusion is used to support the argument vs. facts and reality equals conclusion. They intimidate to subvert the truth.

In adult life my head was in the bottle. Already in a fog, I didn’t see it. I readily took the blame. I was easily put in my place because I saw how bad I was. I concluded that I MUST be wrong.

I will also recognize that I give so many tries because I am a hopeful girl. It only made sense, to me, that it should be so simple. Coming from a place of always being wrong and always have it be my fault, I couldn’t see past to their operation.

Even sober, it’s taken a year and 10 months that I can see it so much clearer now. It took doing the steps in ACoA to come out of denial of my father’s behavior to see how I was repeating this very pattern.

In my codependent dance with the narcissistic personality, I automatically will assume the stance of beneath.  When the ugly accusations of how dare I say something to how I FEEL, It’;s an acquiescence to my shame and programming that subconsciously I believe my feelings don’t matter.  Consciously, I’m still trying to prove that I MATTER.  It’s extremely frustrating when you go to someone to share a hurt, looking for an acknowledgement of hey, I heard you.  I’m sorry that hurt.  I will remember and try better.

It is embarrassing to say how many times i’ve been in the position of crying and hurting worse because some guy told me i was being ridiculous and what about THEIR feelings.  I’m embarrassed to say how many times I’ve repeated myself, pointing out this to the guy I’m bringing something up to.  Fucking progress can be slooowwww.  As I write this, I’m chuckling.  It amazes me every time I have an “awakening” at how truly blind my mind was.  THIS CHILDHOOD PROGRAMING IS FIERCELY EMBEDDED.

How an event of engagement goes:  

Me: When you do this action, it hurts me this way.

Him: You did this. My feelings matter. Why do you always have a problem with me. No one else has these problems with me. You are a <insert nasty name>

Me: Body trembling and feeling awful because I’m having a problem with him. I explain over and over, in different ways what my problem is and why it hurts.

Voice accelerates as my anxiety revs and my mind is whirling in this tosses salad of accusations and justifications and JUST HEAR ME so we can get along again.

In the end, I feel so ugly and so ashamed of MY behaviour. I am always the one to apologize for my behavior.

Who’s more powerful the person spewing crazy nonsense and bile or the person who is desperately trying to explain they are not a horrible person to the one who is behaving horribly?

When JADEing it is a role reversal. I’m explaining to the abuser why I shouldn’t be abused. The abuser makes excuses as to why I should be abused.

I just wanted to be heard and acknowledged by someone not interested in seeing me in the first place.  Secondly, it is the narcissist’s personality to protect his ego in the same way.  It’s just not a cooperative personality to start with.  There is no empathy there.

FINALLY, I asked myself: Has explaining has ever gotten me anywhere with this person or only gotten the event prolonged and made worse? Why do I want to explain to somebody who thinks I’m such a terrible person?

FINALLY, I’m realizing I have been giving credence to ridiculous arguments and statements. Just because it’s this particular person I have feelings for.

So, why am I with someone that’s determined to see me as the problem for everything? What happens if I drop the rope and just don’t justify, argue, defend nor engage? I am letting go and letting God take this from me.

My biggest gain here is realizing that If I don’t JADE there is no need for my mind to run the loop of defending and soapboxing. My rumination is constantly running defenses of possible future arguments and building a case to my worth. I am aware of how much of my energy this consumes. Not to mention how that state of being brings my frequency down. I’m setting a firm intention to override this brain pattern. To smooth out these well ingrained grooves.

HOw I am working on is when the thought comes in my head and it’s focused on defending or arguing or explaining myself, I tell myself I’m free from JADEing! We don’t have to do that anymore! Then I change my thoughts to anything else that’s towards me: Journal, meditate, watching an inspirational video, whatever may celebrate ME.

My intention is to stay on top of this. In 30 days I’m going to report on my progress. I anticipate great results.

The last time I saw my dad, I was in the driveway about to get in the car to leave. I gave him a hug. I pulled back and said, “I love you.” He didn’t say anything. “Dad, can you tell me you love me?” I asked, with a little giggle. My father responded with a “No”. I felt so little and pathetic. I got into the car and I cried when he couldn’t see me anymore. I must just be so awful even my parents can’t love me. 

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