Letters Not Sent. npd mother

Dear npd Mother,

This thought popped upon me today: I have NEVER asked you, what did you actually mean by, “You are going to have it as hard as me?” 

As often as you’d repeat that, throughout these years, I’ve considered what it meant.  Angling in, from your childhood, to getting pregnant at 17 to being strapped with my Dad.  I’ve considered your tragedies and have even been forced to relive some of the worst.  As I’m writing this out, I’m struck with just how much compassion I’ve extended towards you. 

This new truth slowly came bright in my brain.  “YOU are going to have it as hard as ME!”  THIS is your baseline as a mother.  When that reality hit me.  Now, THIS is a whole new equation I have not considered. That a mother would WANT that and operate in that mode.  That directive.  HOLY SHIT, where is your soul, woman?  

You yelling that, with your finger pointed at me is the earliest memory I have of you.  That small 4year old girl stunned by the ugliness thrown her way.  And, HOW many times did I hear it repeated throughout the years?   And, silly me would be trying to figure out what the heck you meant by that cuz you pretty had everything you needed and asked for.  

Wow.  How sick and twisted you formed my reality.  How afraid that little girl was that she had to feel sorry for the monster rather than face the reality that her mother hates her.  To hold the thought that her beloved mother wishes her bad. Holy Crap.  I am so very sad for her.

The reality, the truth is, you didn’t want a child. You wanted out and you saw my father’s family money. You saw your security. You got my dad and his family money with your pregnancy.

I was in your way, what with caring for me. And, me having my own thoughts and all. A young child is a handful when you have your goals. I’m working out these timelines. I saw what you did.

It hurts, this letting go. The sweet relief is winning, though. So, dear lady who lead me astray, I emancipate myself from the illusion of you as my mother.

Good news is, I found a new mom! She is beautiful. Kind and soft. Cheerful and funny. She listens eagerly and chuckles at my sillyness. Best of all, she is ME!

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