Pity Party in Early Sobriety

Why do I find it so hard to write a compassionate letter to myself? The truth is I had a really bad
childhood. I was stuck in crazy land. Constantly told I was bad and unwanted. I wasn’t cared
about. I wasn’t loved and my parents didn’t love each other. I was demeaned. I was punished.
I was objectified. I turned to men who did the same thing.
I have a lot of love inside me that I wanted to give. I, in return wanted that love given back. I
didn’t get it. Instead I got ignored, lied to and made second best. I thought I was being loving to
allow this. I still feel stuck when I want to stand up for myself. I don’t want to hurt trying to figure
it out. I want out of the abuse. Right now I feel so fearful and vulnerable. I’m sitting here
waiting to take this course and pass the test. I’m confident I will. I will be able to live on my own with freedom to speak up for myself. I think perhaps right now, what hinders my ability is that my security feels threatened. If I stand up for
myself I’ll be living on the street. I also feel guilty because I’m not contributing. I feel worthless.
I feel like I’m taking advantage. I’m anxious to prove that I’m not. If I had a million dollars I
could express my gratitude with that gift of an abundant payback. To show that I recognize the
generosity given to me and so much more. I’d be able to walk into life as a free woman.

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